This time last year, I got my cancer diagnosis after a couple months of increasing, constant nausea and constipation. I was having such a hard time eating and drinking that I was admitted to the hospital so they could hydrate me. (Probably for other reasons, too, it’s all a blur of feeling crappy and Donald Trump being “elected.”)
Fast forward to this year and I’m looking at a stable brain MRI, but progressing tumor activity in my liver, lungs, lymph nodes, and bones. My (wonderful) oncologist looked at me with reddened eyes as she said “for you to be here for another year, we need two big wins: no progression of the cancer in the brain and for the chemo to work”.
Oh, did I mention that I’m starting chemo again? Next Monday, to be precise. It’s a slightly different drug cocktail this time, with slightly different side effects.
On the bright side:
- Aside from a couple spots of pain, I’m basically asymptomatic right now.
- I get to go to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner this year. I’m going to eat so much food.
- I get to spend the long weekend in L.A. with friends.
- Even though the months of September and October were entirely too eventful, I’ve had a six-month break from chemo, which means I’ve had plenty of ice cream, sat in plenty of hot tubs, and consumed so many delicious cocktails.
- I know not to take compazine this time around, which will hopefully remove the catatonic zombie feeling I had during chemo last time.
- I’m better at resting. I know not to try to do all the laundry the day after my chemo infusion. I will not hesitate to nap the shit out of my days if that’s what my body wants.
I’m cautiously optimistic. I’m grateful. I’m cranky. I’m scared. I’m all the things.
“Nap the shit” . That’s the best sentence I have ever read. You win.
You are wonderful and amazing and I love reading your text. I hope to read it a long time. Rest. Eat ice cream. F cancer
xoxo! F cancer is right. So is ice cream!
You’re doing laundry? I read that and thought, I want to find that link to donate so I can contribute specifically to a laundry service for you both! I believe in more ice cream, less laundry. Going to search back through Mac’s FB to find the link!
Isn’t it so bizarre that all the life things just keep going? I appreciate your generosity. Thank you!
You be all the things you want, dammit. And we’re all the things for you. Sooo much love.
Thank you! xo
You are powerful. Rooting for you, rooting for Mitts and Muffy!
Sending all the Love…
Sitting here with this comment box open unable to find anything to say that’s worthy of you or this post. You’re my favorite and I love you lots!
I love you right back.
You are a superhero to many. Xoxoxoxoxxo
I pray for the napping the shit, for the ice cream and the cocktails and the new chemo to give you strength and health and for so much love to surround and comfort you and for all to be well with you.
Thank you so much, Alison!
You’re a shining star, a poppy seedling, the lichen on an old oak. You’re wonderful.
why, thank you!
You are all the things. Feel so much love on Thanksgiving and always. xoxo
nap the shit and be all the things except zombie. you are loved.
Made me smile.
Alana, alananala, alanalanalannalanalana. Yes. YOU. Love to your brain, lungs, lymph nodes, and your liver. LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU.
This post epitomizes what giving thanks means to me. So pure, insightful, and full of life. I can’t remember the last time I had two scoops of ice cream. You just inspired me, Alana! 🙂 Lots of love your way–and you know this. I will have two scoops of (nondairy) ice cream (otherwise EVERYONE around me would be assaulted with the horrible smells my body would produce–Lordy!) and think of you. #wonderwoman #fulloflife #inspiration
Thank you so much! xoxo
Love you Alana! Wrapping you in a golden glow. Imagining golden glitter touching every cell in your body and rejuvenating you! Enjoy and indulge and eat everything and have the most fun!! Love you! Hang soon.
Love you right back! xoxo
Compazine made me hallucinate that an ex had written a tell all book about me, and was on a book tour. That motherfucker doesn’t even read. Wait, no. . . he reads menus. But here’s to napping the shit out of your days and just basically doing what you want to do. And to Tillamook ice cream, Wonder Woman.
I try not to waste a good fuck on things I hate…keeping you in mind, sending metta, holding a small stone of joy and pain and resistance from that day I met you while holding space for my altar. we are holding you and holding on, all of us together
Thank you so much.
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